the theatre and a rant explaining in a small part why servers are bitter, bitter creatures

Treated myself to two Fringe shows tonight. Once I heard about it, I was desperate to see An Inconvenient Musical--I LOVED SARSical! last year, and this one is by the same guys. Tonight was the only possible night for me to see it, and I had to boot it hardcore out of work to make it. And it was so worth it. I love the guy who plays Al Gore--he was David Mirvish in SARSical!, and he just has this twinkle in his eyes when he's delivering these completely ridiculous monologues and songs with an otherwise straight face. And I literally could not breathe at one point during David Suzuki's scene. The only bad thing about it was that I was squished in between an elderly lady who did not seem to take kindly to me, for whatever reason, and a man who actually fell asleep on me several times. He was visually impaired, but he must have had some other kind of disability as well. He'd wake up when the songs got loud, and roar with laughter, and then sloooowly droop off until he was nearly leaning on me, and then the cycle would repeat. The first time, I thought he'd quietly expired next to me, and I eyeballed him narrowly to make sure he was still breathing.

The second one was The Africans, which I liked, but think could have been snappier. But that could be a leftover impression from going straight from An Inconvenient Musical, which could be accurately described as frenetic.

I've been working a lot over the last couple of days--not precisely surprising, of course. I just want to make a public statement that anyone who drinks Corona out of a glass is automatically a wang. I'm sorry. It's just the way it is. The whole Corona BRAND involves sticking the damn lime in the bottle and then drinking from it. Everyone who has EVER asked me for a glass with their Corona turns out to be a raging asshole. And they always act extremely offended that I didn't bring one automatically. "EXCUSE me, but I'd like a GLASS with my beer?"

Hey, I am all for pouring a beer in a glass if you're pro-bottle (which I am, although I've gotten much better about draught in the past few years... it stemmed from bartending school, when you learn that bottles are pasteurized, and kegs are not) and you want to look slightly classier. There is, however, nothing classy about Corona, nor will there ever be. Personally, I hate the taste, but more than that, it has branded itself as the beer you drink while lounging on the beach. It's not a beer for connoisseurs; if you're a Corona drinker, you're not impressing anyone with your knowledge of hops or barley--you just drink a shitty import marketed to frat boys. I JUDGE people who drink Corona. So just shove the damn lime in, and drink it from the bottle, lady.

Incidentally, I also judge people who drink Blue and Coors Light. I'm sure they judge me for drinking Canadian, but I'm okay with that. I am branching out, however--I already loved Guinness before starting work at the pub, but since we have seventeen beers on tap, I'm trying to get to know my beers a little better.

One of my coworkers and I were agreeing that food brings out the worst in people. Until you've worked for awhile as a server, you have no idea how douchey people can be. My rants aside, I generally try to be as understanding as possible--I'm human, and I've had horrible days that I've unfortunately taken out on innocent bystanders, so I know how it is--but sometimes it's just incredible. There was this one woman, whose children were actually very polite and sweet, who was inexplicably rude to me, and GLARED every time I came up to the table. And I was the one who sat them (so I KNOW it didn't take long for a server to get to them, because that, again, was ME), dug up a kiddie menu and crayons, and made sure they had refills and extra sauces, and what-have-you. She tipped me less than ten percent, and I can't think of a single thing that went wrong with their table.

I can understand being pissed if you can clearly see your server standing around and chatting with coworkers, and ignoring you completely, and basically not doing any work, but just because you can't SEE me, that doesn't mean I'm not busy. If I walk onto the patio with a full tray, and stop at five different tables before I get to you, wait politely while you finish your conversation (as you ostentatiously ignore me) to ask if you would like a refill, and then walk back inside the restaurant with a full armload of dirty plates, it may, MAY, take me more than thirty seconds to come back with your diet pepsi, no ice, two limes. So please stop sucking at the dregs of your drink with your patented bitch face.

The funny thing is, it's often days when you get completely swamped, and are just a TERRIBLE server, due to insane volume, that you get good tips. I was getting twenty percent consistently on Tuesday at lunch, even though I was spending very little time with each table. Other days, you slave away for everyone's individual comfort, and you make shit. Management always claims that if you provide service that SIZZLES, you'll make better money, but I tend to think that's not entirely true. Most people have a preconceived notion of how they're going to tip; I usually give slightly over twenty, because I have been hardened in the trenches, but it's very rare to find someone who will say to themselves, "Gee whiz, that was amazing service! I'm going to tip more than I usually would!" More often, people will rationalize docking tips ("My food took longer than I thought it would," or "She didn't offer me more water."), or just tip their standard amount, but thank you profusely on the way out. When those people are the ones who think ten percent is good, but say that they loved everything about you, you start to wonder why you even bother.

So, insider info here: the way to up your tip is to talk people into buying more. You have to feel people out--if they're only looking to spend a certain amount, you're ripping yourself off by talking them into spending the extra few bucks on gravy and coffee and etc, so don't do it for teens on their dates--but generally, if you upsell, your percentage will be higher. So, for those of you who are on the other side of the transaction, that's why we're pushing the desserts and the add-ons, and trying to make you drink more. I don't actually believe that you MUST have this cheesecake before you die to have lived a full life. I just want the extra couple of bucks on your tab.